After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
