Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
