I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
