please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
