I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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