Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
