I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
