how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
