She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
