then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
