Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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