In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
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