I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
