you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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