There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
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