There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover