I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
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It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.