I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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