You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
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There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
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all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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