My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
