so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
