a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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