just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
