the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
