Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
no. you can't hotbox the world.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
