I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
