Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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