I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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