I am in a vortex of obligation.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
