woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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