he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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