three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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