evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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