someone get that fucking seahorse.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
i will never coherently bang her
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
