there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
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