Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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