Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
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