My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
