i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
