Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
