This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
foreskin is a definite game changer
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
