I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Don't tell me you're on acid again
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
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