I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
