did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
