You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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