I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Randomize
