what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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