I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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