Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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