I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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