I accidentally had phone sex last night
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
