just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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