I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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