I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
