I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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