Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
