I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
