ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
