i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
