I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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