Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
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