If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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