My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
